


I wasn't looking for this, now I don't want this to end

by lifeinecstasy



Series: KageHina Shit [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Boys In Love, Declarations Of Love, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sex, Intense, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Kageyama simping over Hinata, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Obsession, POV Kageyama Tobio, Realization, Self-Denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28549974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeinecstasy/pseuds/lifeinecstasy
Summary: "The anger ebbs away fast, the affection doesn’t."- Kageyama does some intense introspection, and the depth of his feelings might just scare Hinata away...Title and one shot inspired from "Side effects" by Carlie Hanson (mwah)Reference to "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: KageHina Shit [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078289
Kudos: 17





	I wasn't looking for this, now I don't want this to end

**Author's Note:**

> i think i'm getting better at expressing Kags' feelings lol, I've started thinking so much about this I can't even listen to music peacefully. So here, this is the product of when I found the perfect song to describe my OTP ★~(◡‿⊙✿'')

Hinata was sliding off the bed in that way of his that is supposed to be discreet. I play along, letting the sunlight fall on my eyelids, curious to see what he does next. A couple of clumsy footsteps and soft hissing sounds because of course he stubbed his toe, the clumsy ass. Then a moment of silence, before he’s humming a song he’s taken a liking to and keeps recommending to everyone even though I’ve reminded him countless times that it was released a decade ago.

“You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream…” 

The sight my eyes open up to should be hidden from the public eye forever. Hinata’s got one hand in his hair, smoothing out the locks fervently even as they spring right back. His other hand’s tapping the edge of the mirror - a simple, alternating beat that’s supplementing his impromptu performance. 

“I can't sleep, let’s run away and don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back.” 

I’ve never noticed just how pronounced his back muscles are until now; we really need to try back-to-front. It’s just that as much as I love his face right now, his sex face is even more worthy of being beheld. So I prefer to look into his eyes the one time I allow him to be this close to me. We’re strung together for a night before I cut him off - no strings is our only rule. But right before he leaves for his house, I want to grasp as many threads as I can. 

He’s putting on his clothes - the bright yellow shirt that will make him stick out like a sore thumb to so many people in every room he bounces into, the baggy pants that are somehow short at his ankles even after how insanely petite his legs are, and his watch, the one thing he never forgets anywhere, at the cost of almost everything else. Just watching him, my heart swells as he twirls around, tap-tapping and bopping his head along to the song. He was really into it now, jumping around the room looking for his bag and not stopping even when he’s found it. 

He ducks under the bed, reaching for the shoes we had flung haphazardly down in the rush that was last night. The contented smile on his face falters for a second as he looks up straight into my face. The dove white of my pillow is blocking most of his face but the half that I can see is smiling again. Gorgeous. 

“You could have told me that you’re awake, I was just leaving.” His eyes are shining into mine, hand settled in my hair as it slowly massages the spot I had bumped against the headboard yesterday. He’s being kind, skin burning pink affection. He really should know better than to sigh against my pillow, kiss my nose and sniff my hair because I’ve rejected him earlier. 

“We’re not anything okay? I don’t want any strings.” I had said to him then. I had vowed not to feel things, to label this whatever so the crimson fire in my heart doesn’t start blazing again because feelings bleed too easily. Why would you risk smashing a dam full of emotion when you know the outburst could flood everything you know until you can only cling to that one person who caused the catastrophe, but who might just fall out of love with you whenever they please? 

I don’t want to drown, I won’t lose to Hinata. That’s what I told myself after I realized just how amazing sex with Hinata was, and I have stuck to my resolution, for the most part. Here he is, another cobalt blue night spent and he’s sneaking out before mum checks in on me. The clock’s on the other side of the room but I can tell he’s already late. 

“Leave, dumbass” I jerk blindly toward the time because he’s kissing my forehead relentlessly. It’s like he’s rooted on the spot and this is the only thing he can do to keep boredom at bay. That’s probably what I am to him - a past time, just another leisure activity he likes to do when he’s free. 

That should be true, after the way I’ve treated him, but his lips persist on my skin for a second too long to feel flippant. He has feelings for me, there’s genuine emotion reaching out to me like a magnet under his skin. He squeezes my hand between two of his tinier ones, “See you at practice Monday Kageyama, I shall expect you to recover.”

I clench my teeth. Dammit, I let him have the last word. He stood, smirking at the expression on my face - I was out of it and he was never one to pass up an opportunity. Hinata’s always giving - dealing out smiles, vibrating excitement, offering nice words. Sometimes he gives too much, like the kiss he blows me before the door swings shut and the last flash of his teeth blots the wood for a millisecond. I blink to clear my vision, and my head if possible. This is exactly why he should stay away from me. Because I’m greedy - I will slurp up all his excitement, chew him out and not be sorry about it. I could cloud him with my depression, paint him gray, and I don’t want that tangerine to drain out of his fluffy hair.

I huff, violently shoving my feet out of the blanket. Excuses could last me a lifetime, but I would still be the one who cut him off. Why was I passing him up again? This infatuation won’t last long anyway, I’ll just be waiting on the inevitable if I date him. Yet didn’t I deserve those fleeting moments of sunshine, even if I did end up destroying them?

—

“You’re always thinking these days, am I that much of a stimulator for you?” Hinata winks at me from where he’s slumped against the foot of the bed, history notebook dangling on his lap, demanding attention it is not given. 

“Shut your trap and work,” I bonk his head; it’s within my reach because I’m lying prostrate on the bed (at least I’m not pretending to study). The yelp Hinata lets out at my hit makes his mouth open up and the memory of just how far it could stretch slots into my head in one swift click motion. 

I tilt my head, corking his neck around because I know he can do that, and kiss him. There’s his tongue dawdling around my mouth, going everywhere it shouldn’t, so much like its stupid tangerine owner. Then comes the strange blueberry taste of the new edible rubber he’s taken a liking to. I find everything wrong with the concept - they’re attached at the end of pencils so they’re way too small to be useful, they come in the most flashy of colours, and they’re fucking edible, gosh. I suspect my disapproval boosts Hinata’s fondness of this flavour in particular; ever since I complained of the taste lingering in his mouth he hasn’t stopped chewing on it. Bastard. 

I tug at his hair, the strands tangling into my hand all by themselves, as if they want to be pulled, as if they want to be in my grasp forever even if Hinata would end up bald like this. Does he really want to be like this forever? I know longevity doesn’t freak him out like it does me, but will he feel the same when it’s me he’s committing to? 

He squeezes my jaw and my teeth jar in my head. I pull back with a growl but his eyes already hold half an apology, “Studying.”

It’s curt, just one word, but I get what he means. His eyes are speaking - I won’t stick around forever, whenever you want me. I’m not a use-and-throw, I refuse to keep my feelings locked away until you’re ready to open up to me. I’m leaving soon.

My stomach clenches against the sheets, and I flip over, blindly groping around for a volleyball to bounce, always my second best stress reliever. When it became this way, I don’t know. Volleyball was always my priority, they didn’t call me King of the Court for no reason. The bright yellow and blue shades on the ball were my mantra, the epitome of all my efforts. I wasn’t looking for an even brighter tangerine to add to the mix, but it blended in so well it was a shame to drain it out. I don’t even think I can anymore, Hinata’s irretrievably entangled in my mess. 

The volleyball touches my fingertips and I know I’ve hit it wrong even before it launches, the tilt was off by a bit. A single strand of Hinata’s hair is sticking up over the edge of the bed, and the ball whisks past it, landing on his lap. 

“Learn to control the ball Bakeyama” He bats the ball away with a huff, not bothering to lift it up to me. I smirk, seeing that he insists on chewing the eraser and training his large baby eyes on the pages when we both know he’s barely scraping through this test like he does every other. 

No-one has ever gotten on my nerves so much as this annoying shrimp does, but before I realize it, I’m tugging at his hair more out of liking the velvety feeling than being mad. The anger ebbs away fast, the affection doesn’t. The affection persists all throughout the few and far between nights that I spend without Hinata (only because he finds it necessary to socialize with others). 

I feel sick, wanting to wretch my carefully curated lunch out of my stomach. I frown and try to keep it down, stagger to the kitchen and gulp down water because this is not normal for me. I don’t eat on impulse, I calculate every bit of nutrition I put into my stomach, utilize food as fuel to power my way through all matches in the best condition possible. My hands are so dry they’re sticking to the cold glass like shit to a shovel. This is not my best condition. Hinata’s ruined my 10 year streak of not falling sick, and he’s here to witness it. The floor’s leeching heat off me but going back would mean watching Hinata raise his face out of the notebook and grumble at me for disturbing him (I would complain about why he even comes here if he doesn’t want to be disturbed, but there is a very high chance he would point out that I was the one who requested him to come). 

Lying on the kitchen floor, silently cursing his insanely soft mop of hair, is what I’m reduced to then. The bones on me seem more pronounced, and I’m pretty sure the skin on my face is sagging. It’s almost like I’m drunk on something, or sober from it and feeling side effects. Yeah, that would be more accurate. The promises Hinata kisses into my skin right after he reaches his climax have seeped in enough to clamp down on my heart every time I tell him good bye. His superior spotlight focus feels so good in the moment, but once it’s gone, I’m left picking at the lint shed off his sweater. I’m really sick. 

Yes I wasn’t looking for this, and I am certainly not fond of it, but now I don’t want this to end. 

I rise, stepping lightly like a prowling cat to my room. The door won’t open all the way, and I thought it was just me being a chicken and not kicking it hard enough, but when it didn’t budge far even after a particularly violent kick, and instead a very loud grunt of pain sounded, I bit my tongue. This wasn’t the time to laugh, but I couldn’t help it with the way Hinata had slid over to the side, clutching his head, probably making it hurt it more from how hard he was pressing it. 

“Bakayama!” Hinata spit a tear out, glaring at me with one eye, “I’m never coming back here!”

My stomach twists again, but I give it a quick punch, racing through all the different ways I could do this in my head. My pride won’t allow half of them, and I won’t live through Hinata’s reactions to the other half. His reaction to my slamming the door onto his head was not pleasant, saturated with an obnoxious pout and exaggeratedly curled brows and stomping feet. Wasn’t he near the bed before I left anyway, how did he even reach the door? I nodded tightly when he settled himself back, shooting quick glances at the distance between him and his bag, like I didn’t want him to notice how less it was and how quickly he could just leave. 

Luckily, Hinata Shoyo can be adorable at the drop of a hat, in any situation you can think of, and he can calm you down in a snap. I grunt, at least that’s how the idiot is with me. The ringed sleeve on his right arm is upturned a bit from when he sprawled onto the floor, but he’s staring at his notes too intensely to notice. I plan to fix it as I get down on my knees, crawling slowly to the edge of my bed. 

I tilt my head, admiring his face for just one second before I’m ultra-focused on his neck, almost as focussed as he is on ignoring my uncharacteristic affection. 

“You have to come back” I nuzzle into his neck, locking onto the best spots with little licks that make him shift onto his other hip. I frown when it doesn’t feel so uncharacteristic as soon as I’m close enough to his heat, sliding a leg between his, ignoring his groans of protest because I crushed his notebook. Who cares, I’m kissing Hinata right now, just the same as every single night of the past year, but finally bleeding emotion both ways. I’m ashamed. I’m pressing my cold hands into his waist, rubbing that spot behind his ear. I’m flooding into him, sinking deeper and he’s ought to feel the weight of it now. I steel myself for his yelling, shoving, leaving. He does move, but only closer, climbing over me so he can control the kiss better. Bastard. 

“What are you saying Kageyama?” A strand of his hair insists on clinging to me even when he pulls away to look at my face, hands framing my face with violet intensity. 

I gulp, covering his eyes because the light’s blinding, “Don’t leave please. I miss you when you’re gone and I hate you because I had it all together before you pranced into my life. Every time I can’t sleep, can’t eat properly without you, I miss you. It’s like I’m not Kageyama Tobio with or without you, you’ve turned me into someone else. I’ve been feeling really sick whenever I think about you leaving lately and I always hate to ask you for help. Cutting you off felt like the best option, I really tried to quit my obsession with you and your stupid adorable sunshine that I’m so weak for I can’t resist every time you smile and I don’t want to see any other ever again. You get me so high that I don’t even mind the side effects when I fall back down after you leave. I don’t make sense to my own mind but I hope I do to you right now. I know I told you I don’t want strings, but I’m tying us together now Shoyo, please don’t slip away.” 

Hinata’s mouth opened, reaching for my hands to take them off his eyes but ending up clutching his neck as he choked on all the emotion I just dumped over him. I withdrew my hand and his eyes were gagging too, wide open and blinking all over my face. I pat his back, lowering my head to somehow stop the burn under my eyes. He gasped, his eyes bled, followed closely by his nose, and he stumbled out words I couldn’t understand - all I got from all this was a sense of his complete bewilderment. My heart thumped, he was bewildered, not angry. The burning stopped when my tears slid out, and I gathered Shoyo in my arms when he went into another shock attack upon seeing me cry. 

“Breathe, you idiot” I spit, wiping my tears then his, and smiling at the way he obnoxiously sucked water off my bottle, getting his saliva all over the mouth because no one taught him the civil way to drink.

**Author's Note:**

> this is longer than my usual ones, gah i hope i didnt drag it too much


End file.
